Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
