I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
