I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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