Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
