Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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