Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
