woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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