He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You should frame my arrest warrant.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
