I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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