I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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