Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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