were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I had to cum in my sink.
Just puked most of my soul out..
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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