final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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