My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
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You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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