So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
