I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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