did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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