careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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