Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
love makes seman taste better
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
