you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
