The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
it's great music for shaving your balls
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
