Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Randomize
