like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
