I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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