super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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