Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
What a dumb baby whore.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
