When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You can't motorboat a personality
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
