Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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