The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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