Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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