where does the pee come out of this thing
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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