do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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