Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
