so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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