If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
