I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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