dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Randomize
