I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
