areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
