My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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