i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
