its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize