i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
