i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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