She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
