I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
