I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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