I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just cut my nipple shaving
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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