My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
