having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I don't deserve a penis
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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