I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
