Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
