They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
it was like having sex with a tree stump
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
My Sexting was not on an AP level
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