Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
