So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
