"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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