Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
