Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
