youre lurking in front of me
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
